Maybe I’m just an easily irritated individual but television seems to be filled with generic cardboard cut-out personalities who look like their charisma and presentation skills would be
Maybe I’m just an easily irritated individual but television seems to be filled with generic cardboard cut-out personalities who look like their charisma and presentation skills would be pushed to the limit announcing platform departures at Manchester Piccadilly.
Here are five of the worst offenders:
Paddy McGuinness from Take Me Out
Paddy McGuinness was hilarious in Phoenix Nights and Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere playing second fiddle to Peter Kay. Unfortunately he took on a life of his own and currently hosts ITV’s Take Me Out. The show essentially consists of desperate but bizarrely over-confident men trying to convince one of 30 women – ANY OF THEM PLEASE!? – to take them on a date to the exotic island of ‘Fernandos’,which looks, and presumably is, a run down 80s holiday resort somewhere in the Canary Islands.
McGuinness runs amongst the women like a 17 year old who has covered himself with Lynx deodorant and downed a four pack of Strongbow, coming across as desperate, needy and mildly irritating. He’s like that one mate who’ll stand at the bar coolly declaring “Yeah, she’s mine” and “Would totally nail that” and then receive prompt slaps to the face when he actually dares to speak to a girl.
That said, he only makes fifth on this list because he is still at least fifty times more charming and interesting than any of the gormless contestants who stumble in front of the women on his show. No likey? No lightey!
Pretty Much Any of the Characters from In the Night Garden
I have to admit I haven’t seen many episodes of this undeservedly popular children’s show, and I’m very grateful for it. The few I have seen are like something out of a horror film. I honestly can’t believe that it isn’t rated 18, it’s terrifying!
Someone obviously walked into the CBeebies production office and declared: “Hey, do you know what children’s entertainment needs? Less educational material and more live-action versions of Dantes’ Inferno.”
This person presumably had compromising photographs of the head of production because it somehow got commissioned. I know children don’t really know any better but if I was in a darkened forest and any of those twisted creatures crawled out from behind the trees and said they wanted to ‘play’ with me, I would be making a run for it.
Returning once the sun had risen to burn the forest and cleanse it of its evil.
Simon Cowell from Various Talent Shows
People criticise Simon Cowell for ruining pop music and for being nasty to people who appear before his exalted throne to beg him for a record contract. I don’t mind this to be honest. People who lack talent should be told the truth, it is nicer than letting them go on chasing a dream they are never going to achieve.
Claiming it is your lifelong dream to be a world-class-singer isn’t going to sell records:
“The girl on this song sounds like she is doing a duet with a combined harvester, is it worth a 79p download?”
“Based on ability, no, but it is her lifelong dream to be a singer.”
“I’ll pay double!”
My issue with Simon Cowell is just what a thoroughly boring person he seems to be. He has a single monotone voice, which he uses to declare the next ‘big’ thing in pop (for about six weeks anyway) or to be totally useless without even showing a hint of emotion. I’d say he was a cyborg, but he managed to get his mate’s girlfriend pregnant.
Jeremy Kyle from The Jeremy Kyle Show
“Ha! Look! People from council estates, let’s make them argue and discuss their petty working class lives in front of a captive audience.”
“Oh great idea Jeremy, because we, as TV executives, definitely understand the struggles of lower income families better than anyone else.”
“Too right, we’ll stick a couple of cans of Carlsberg Special Brew in the green room, get them fired up for discussing why their marriage has collapsed.”
“Ha, like any of these peasants could afford to get married! Champagne?”
Now, I’m not saying the show is completely without merit. I’ve definitely seen some people around where I live that would fit in well on the show – I think at least two have actually been on. The fact is that as funny as some of the people on it are, it is still essentially getting two less-educated people to talk about themselves and their problems. Not for their benefit but for the entertainment of other people.
It’s feel-good TV, in that people sad enough to watch it can turn around to their partners and declare: “At least I’m not that bloke.”
Jeremy Kyle is the big problem of the show. He hasn’t exactly had to pull himself up in society to get to where he is – his dad was secretary to the Queen Mother. He comes across as patronising and rude, as though he has some superior moral right because he has an ear-piece and a condescending tone. I’m not saying sleeping with your girlfriend’s sister is a fair move, but I’d still hold you in higher esteem than I do ‘Jezza.’
Ant and Dec from Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, Britain’s Got Talent, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, etc.
Originally springing from Byker Grove, Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly have become prime-time television’s premier tag-team. Whether you need some little girl comforting after Simon Cowell (see above) has told her she has no talent (usually a fair comment) or a Z-list celebrity needs to be handed some koala testicles to eat…Ant and Dec are your go-to-guys.
Overly-cheery and deceptively young looking, Dec is 38 and still doesn’t look like he has reached puberty yet; these two are the undisputed kings of ITV’s evening schedule. Their own show, Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, is a brilliant case for going out on a Saturday night and getting monumentally bladdered.
What is worse for your health? Eighteen pints of Stella Artois or watching this pair of chuckleheads?
They are inseparable to the point that they allegedly have million pound insurance policies against each other’s deaths. So, there you are, if you can take one of them out then they both go down. I’m not advocating this, I’m just saying. Although I imagine Dec is the easier target. On your Byke lads.
Who could you live without seeing on your television? Let us know in the comments below.