Jäegerbomb Stratos to control: we have a problem

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The recent Jäegerbomb stratos mission was bungled when Felix Baumgartner prematurely evacuated from his lunar pod, the Red Bull Stratos, leaving his counterpart Wilhelm Leberkleister, pilot of the Jäeger Stratos, alone on the moon.

Here we have the exclusive transcript of his conversation with Mission control.

“Mission control this is Jäeger stratos, what’s going on down there? I’m hearing some weird things on twitter; did that moron Felix fall out of his pod again? I’m waiting for him on the moon, tell him to txt me and let me know where to meet him.”

“Jaeger Stratos this is mission control, look there’s been a bit of a change of plan. Nobody cares about the moon any more. I’m sorry but that dang Mars rover ruined it for the rest of us; looks like the moon is old news. We told Felix to abort the mission and parachute down. I think we’ll probably play it off as a publicity stunt or something.”

“Mission control this is Jäeger Stratos, but nobody’s ever mixed a drink on the moon before, I thought that was the point. So you want me to parachute down too? All the way from the moon? That’s probably a world record isn’t it? I guess we’ll still sell a lot of Jäegerbombs!”

“Negative Jäeger Stratos, stay where you are, Felix just broke the world record a second ago we can’t have you swooping in and breaking it again, how would that look? Plus we talked to our P.R. guy and he says people wouldn’t like the idea of something with the word bomb in it falling from the sky.”

“…It’s because I’m German isn’t it.”

“No no, Jäeger Stratos, it’s cool that you’re German. Just sit back and have a drink, we’ll send someone up to get you as soon as Felix is done with the interviews.”

“I can’t drink this stuff without mixer, that’s why there were two pods. His pod had all the cups in it and everything, some party this is going to be. The girls are still coming though right?”

“Err, sorry Jäeger Stratos, we didn’t catch that. Listen do you still have that flag that says Jäegermeister on one side and Red Bull on the other? When you put that up could you angle it so that the Red Bull side is facing the Earth?”

“This is ridiculous, I’m coming back, I’m running out of oxygen anyway.”

“Negative Jäeger Stratos, don’t make a move until we tell you, it could hurt our sales if you do the wrong thing now.”

“But Mission control, it’s freezing up here, and I think the reindeer is getting spooked.”

“Sorry buddy, I can’t control the media. Just sit tight until we contact you. I’ve got to go shake Felix’s hand.”

End of transmission.

There is no word yet as to whether Leberkleister made it back to Earth or whether there are any plans to retrieve him and his reindeer. Jäegerbomb Stratos HQ say they do not want to give any formal statement at this time because of fears of animal rights activists finding out. They do however wish to report that the projected sales figures for Red Bull this year are higher than they have ever been and a victory parade is being planned for Felix. They also refused to comment on the Bull that landed in the Pacific Ocean shortly after Felix’s successful mission half way to the moon and back.
 

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I am a 3rd year creative writing student at Kingston University, your student life editor and co-founder of @bravenewcomedy